First Return … the dualogue
For Cushla
10 years ago I met a Cambridge girl
At the time that seemed to be best determined as a small town in the Waikato
Through our time together it has come to mean something different
We use that word Cambridge to define a way of being
Closed off & secret and ‘what do you think?
Tell me first so I can agree and not upset the neighbours’
You grew up in a painted plastic box of emotion but I did not know that
Rules of the outside world different to those of the house you lived in
A mother who did pregnancy counselling and even took a child into her home
But to her daughters it was different
‘If you come home pregnant before your married you’ll be disowned’
You told me that and a flare went up
A flare I easily ignored
You
Were
Different
I had my own concerns
To live in that horrorshow
You created secrets
No surprising when you think about it
From childhood
You
Hid in this little world of little lies
As you grew
You lived in a big world of big lies
Same place, same lies
Mutated by time
You presented the frozen animatronic face
Of the child who shouldn’t have been
Richard in dungarees
(Sound familiar?)
While hiding the woman that was
Somewhere
In there
So you thought
I suspect you were right
You met me, that broken evangelical truth teller
(I know you want that too)
We met
My life changed forever
And you …
You created yet another world
You hid
In a world of key tapping masturbation
Titillation via typing
A textworld of make believe
But this was no fairy story
Saying what pleased to please be liked
Please like me, please like me
Like me – but you cant see me – like me – but you cant see me
You hid it you hid in it you hid you
Sex lies and facebook profiles of lies
You want to live in the real world now
And you ask:
‘How do I
What do I
I created it so can’t I destroy it?
You ask this when the answer is in you
It is already within you
You think
Too late that time past and it was discovered
Discoveries cant be deleted without a trace
The trace is there traced forever in the sun
And in the ‘its noted’ comments
You have created a mess
A dangerous hurtful damaging mess of misdirection
You lived in a world you didn’t have to live in
To be a person that you didn’t even want to be
To be person who was all the things you were not allowed to be
You say
‘I cant be real
I cant be honest!
What would the neighbours say
What would the neighbours THINK
If the neighbours think anything what makes you think it’s about you anyway and who says that if they think anything at all that it would be bad anyway?
And what the hell does it really matter anyway?
Consequences to my actions
How can I teach that when I never lived that?
How can I teach that when I don’t understand that?
You state your creed:
I undo what I have done
I take back and remove the lies and the make believe that took over the reality
I love my reality
I love the love that is in my reality
I love the family that live with me
I love that family that loves me for me and will let me be me
Cheeky, smart, naive but searching
No lies
No lies no lies
And no need for a secret
No need to be behind the eye or behind the screen
I live and breathe the truth and choose to take the path to enlightenment not purgatory’.
This is your creed
This is my creed
Tuesday 16 February, 2010
dykiegirl 