Dreaming ~ Never Recant, Sin

Dreaming ~ Never Recant, Sin

For Amy C

Walujapi carved a snakelike track
Along a cliff-face
Planted an impression of her buttocks
When she sat

This was her camp

This was the beginning
The beginning that never ended
(not yet anyway ~ big bang)

The dream of me
Rests

That dream of you
Lives

Mists residing in rock crevices
Trees
(that oxbow lake, that stagnant billabong)

Sometimes
Fire in the sky

I went up to the sky

Now
I am wind
Rain
Thunder

I am lightning

Lightning

Intoxicated by giddy exhilarations of light
(humility the first quality to collapse)
When
Drunk with the sounds of a narcissistic dialectic
She is
Messianic

She keeps it coming
She keeps it coming
She keeps it coming

She knows

She knows

She knows
What it is she does
Knows what it is she wants

A Gondwanaland Tale
(she wants)
When she dreams one
I am there too

I fill myself
With my own water
New water
(oh, you crocs go scatter)
Laze in the deep sun

Sun

Blaze

I am 10 or 16 years of age
Have proven myself worthy
I pass from childhood

Blood

I pass to woman’s blood

Now I have a different role
I have body paint and bric-a-brac
Emblems on my carcass
(inked)
Sometimes I have a tooth removed
Ears and nose pierced
Flesh cut with hallowed markings
Sometimes

Then the sorry business

I am totemic
Iconic

I am returned to the land
My goods dispersed
I
Am
A
Burial
Pole

I was young
(very young)
Childlike too
Before bleeding grew me up
They unveil to me
That
Shapeshifter
I am

Mimic
I am

Copycat I am

(so what is that?)

They divulge to me
(demonstrating deference)
Odin
(Loki too)
Goad the other
Flyting insults
Badgering
That
Each
As metamorph
Birthed
In female form

Such contempt

Such calamitous politesse
Man
Reduced
Must mimic woman
Debased
To be
The trap
The gash
To hemorrhage
From wounds
Gained
In mankind’s oldest feud

I was young
(very young)
When I decoded
Strength is all
Cock is all

So

I must learn my place
I must know my place

So

I am invisible
(shapeshifter me)

I know my place
I know my place
I know my place

I am invisible

Intially disturbing
I quickly saw the potential of this

You did too
You did not see me
You chose not to see me
You did not have to see me

Kindred had done for me
Though
Introduced the classical
The mythological

And I bestowed it all on you

On the heath
(not Hamstead girls, get a grip!)

Everything classical ends on a heath
Or starts that way

On this heath
Silence withered
Like a bankrupt prick

Voices seethed through time

Cathy

Winds blew
Raged

Stella

Holy-water
And no dry house

Yes
Yes
This is a weather office circus
A never-ending
Dissonance of narcissism
(ah, wilderness/despair)
But
Then
(only then)
Will there be
A bona fide hope
In the face of this uncaring universe
That the rain might raineth
Every day

Every day

But

But

But then

Hey ho ~
(always one to buck the trend)

I whispered your name
Your name

(who the fuck are you to be in this company?)

I said it anyway

In a murmured undertone
I mouthed your name

Amy …

Amy …

A clothesline to infinity
Flapped
Eased
Breathed
Sighed

A silence of providence
Divine
Intervention

Amy …

Sad though
(for me)
Invisibility
Is also hard of hearing
And
You heard me not

You heard me not

Proxy
(tangential)

In its place
(crux)

Instead
(yearning)

Instead
You became my pillow friend
Silent
You could not get away

You were high-density
With a urethane (hard) core
I was slow learning
An after dark
Scared-of-my-mother
Bedroom bore

Yet we kissed up a storm

You taught me

Now flick the tip
Rotate
Play chase the tongue
Back
Forward
Back
Suck
And gently bite

Heart beats
Like the wings of hummingbirds

Breath
(angel breath)

Your
Angel
Breath

I eat your air
In the bastard night
Your
Air
Promise-crammed
But you
(oh, you, you pretty, pretty thing)
You …

All my nightmares came today

You are truly
(truly)
Of the Chameleon’s Dish
Heir to more than this
We fat all creatures else to fat us

We fat ourselves for maggots

Maggots?

Fucking maggots?

Is that all this is?

Is this all there is?

My invisibility returns

So do you

So do you

So do you

Is that all?

I think so not

When this globe was spanking new

(do you remember?
pray you love
remember …)

Remember
Sun-woman fashions the baby-girl
Whose body shone
Made her
Shine with light
(Was home
Beneath ground in the west?)
I think so
(storyline say so too, ho hum)

She shone more even
As she ripened
Hiding
Under the land
Mostly

Other women
Tried to touch
Her
(some other women)
They scorch fingers
Like her body was not like theirs
Her body was akin to flame

‘Why is this happening’ chicks ask

‘Ah’ says Sun-woman
‘Me and daughter, we are Sun-Dreaming
Us both
So don’t touch me neither
Don’t touch me’

Then she say
(after pause longer than time)

‘When all the land is dark, Daughter-girl, she will bring you light
I, myself, cannot
(do you care)
I am, to boot, too strong
If I came up
Looked at you
Up there
You would turn to ashes
(cinders, even)’

Daughter-girl stayed living
Living lower than the earth
(Mother too, of course, she of the life-snuffing flame)

Darkness
(anonymity)
Fell
Crept on the land
Stayed

But
Sometime
(every day for want of a word)
Daughter-girl ascends the sky
Makes sunlight hours
Fleeting
Augmenting
The world

Daughter-girl begins to think
(hmmm, mother)
I
Am
Lonely here
Lying in wait for her

So
Daughter-girl goes down
Down
Down in the west
Flares and blazes her way home
Until
Down she goes
Underground
Returning to Sun-woman
And darkness
And darkness
And darkness
Covers the land

Sleeping together
Sun-mother
Daughter-girl
Til birds wake
(singsong)
Again

Then Sun-woman sends her back

They made this Dreaming
For us

We could have light
All and every day
Light
Not darkness
Life
Not death
(and darkness)

Lady-moon gives us but a weak light
(stars scrawny too)

Mother Sun-woman
She is way dangerous
(burns us up if we go close ~ beware those women)
She
Is
Too dangerous to see

Sun’s daughter though
Sun’s-daughter looks after us
Makes the land bright
Amiable
Makes
Life

She
Kisses the land
(as she did me)
Makes it blood luscious
(as she did me)
Sanguine
Swollen
Lush
(as for me)

As she did me

As she did me
She kisses the land
Becomes
The land

Breathing
I reach for her
(For you)
Feel her air on my lips
Covering me
(Your breath)
Warmer now than the cool air of the breeze
Her face a disc poised above me
Shading me from the blood-dripping
Wrists
Of the universe

Floating
Eyes closed
(but seeing clear as a bell)
Tabula rasa
I am a silent blank canvas
Waiting

Then

Lips touch
(no anticipation, no time for that)

What is that?

Scent

White Jasmine?

Mint?

Air rush and gone

Lingered
Lingered for a moment
That scent

Gone

Then gone

You are inviolate
I am profane

Now you have red eyes
(it has happened)
Sharp teeth
The body of a man
The teeth of the barracuda
Here are canaries
Finches
Fantails

Guests
Of my calling
My
Primeval
Calling

Aue!

Aue!

Aue ha!

They know the plan
These wings of deja vu

Been there before

Just another jaunt

(that way lies teeth)
They warn

I laugh

They laugh

Not me I say
I am cock-free
Cock-free
Maybe ginger-flavour
Maybe
But not the ginger man

The laugh is hollow
But not that ginger man

Eve
Echoes
The laughter

as the apple falls

Is it late now

Deep night

Bulb-bright
(it seems to me anyway)

That kiss betrays like a scar
(why this crush)

Pre-ordained
Of course
(you knew this when you entered my dream)
That it would end
Like this
That I would enter you
Regardless
And death would come

That I would die
Yearning
Not for yours
Nor just any nameless woman’s womb
But for my own

We are the sisters of the kiss
You and I
The Sisters of the Kiss

I am not Jocasta
I will not die by the needle
(at least not through my eye)
You are not Sarah
(you are never wife to a half-sibling)
You are wife to no man
This is not real
It is a dream
A dream

This is not real

Yet the horizon meets the sky
(as it did, as it does, as it will)
The fantail sings in the evening
Your Medusa-like tangles of hair
And the reek of the sea
Entice
Us
We can live for eternity
I am
Moko huruhuru
(the one who glistens)
And you will feel no pain
(you’ve heard that before)

I know

The taste of you
From that fleeting moment
Intoxicates

Still

And your grip tightens

I am not your son
I am not your son
I am not your son

This is pleasure only
And you kissed me first

Remember?

Remember?

Remember?

You kissed me first

This is not about mortality
This is not about death
(the little death maybe)
The sneeze of life
This
Is
About
Love

This is about lust
Then sleep
In arms new and holding
Brief and tender
A kiss
Delicate on lips sleeping
This is about leaving and returning
Not about death
Not death
But
Yearning

You are deaf to this
(it has been a long time)
You wake
Shocked
You crush me and spit me out

The echo of the apple falling
Sounds
Like a clod on wood
A pibroch hums from the throat of the fantail

Silenced the laughter

The Dawn Maid is awake
Her sex mocked

I am crushed for man
I am dead for all time
As you are
Dead for all time

Yet you kissed me first

Remember?

You kissed me first

In the silence of that moment
You kissed me first

I am awake
My bed is wet
With me
(maybe you)

I say it is sweat
I shut down

I am alone in the dark night

Alone
With the essence of your kiss
Embedded
In my heart

White Jasmine
(yours)
Saturates my neck

Your
Frangrance
Drenches me
Defines us
Eternally

I am not repentant
I do not seek forgiveness

My womanhood
Would do the same to you

In an instant

Tuesday 22 December, 2009