A Transitory Mutual Ache

A Transitory Mutual Ache

for Helen S

‘I like coffee, I like tea,
I like Helen to jump with me ~ ‘

Isn’t that what we would say
(would say ‘said’ too, older now, older)
As we skip skip skipped
Childhood away

‘All in together girls
Never mind the weather girls
When I call your birthday
You must jump in’

You
Were
Weren’t
There

She was you
I
Didn’t
Know
You
Then

She was you
But
I thought
She was just
She

That was enough

That halcyon summer
Tar melting
The road between Darfield and Geraldine
Hay stacked in yellow banks
Hollows for bodies
Hot in the combustible space
Her parents farm

Hot
Combustible

Two girls explore
Explore
Being

Explore
Being

Being girls

Girls
Being

Hot

(don’t misunderstand please)

In a hay
Stack

Not how it started
(No way)
Distance learning of a sort
For
Six months
With a Mulveygaze
I watched you
Manlike

Now there’s a thing …

Silent

Not without reason

The raging inside
Was not without reason

I
However
Me

It was
Me
Was without reason
For soft blonde
Sand blonde
Sweet
Sweetest
Honey
Honey
Honey blonde

Oh honey …

(where the bee sucks … )

That gaze
In class
Eyes not connecting
Rhythm
(without rhyme)
Never smiling
(too cool for that)
You
Surrounded
By
The Cool Girls
Who
Never spoke to me
As you never seemed to speak to them

Or
Me

I figured it out

I was not good enough

I was not good enough
(predictable)
For the girl from the North Country
From mystical farmlands
Canterbury
Badlands
Where you held court
Silent
In the house I imagined
With verandahs all around
Out of reach

Out of reach

Out of fucking fucking reach

You were a silence out of knowing

I never imagined
You were in pain
Pain
Painfully
Shy
Of me
Of men (oh, grief)
Of them
Of
The world

(the country does that to you
did it to me
to
Us)

I told her of you
She who was in your class
(but out of mine)
Middle
Of the road
Gillian
(good taste)
With whom I shared a taste
(tasted good
that five minute
Sweet tart
Tart
Experiment
not spoken of again)
I told her of you

I told her of you

I told her of you
In a moment of consensual collaboration
Conceived in transitory mutual ache
The trust that stays
The tie that binds
(such hard bondage)
Yes
I told her of you

And you told her of me

Memory will not allow
Memory will not allow
Memory will not allow
A
Return

A return
To memory
So now I do not know ~
I have let time try ~
I do not know
What came next

But

We were at a fairground
Ferris Wheel’s Day Out
Evening actually
Popcorn
Side shows
(one teddy bear won)
Candy floss
(cotton, pink cotton, candy)
All a bit agricultural for this city girl
That smell of pigs and sheep
That
Excement
(you, however, would have felt at home
I thought ~ no offence ~
Not knowing that the reason you were here with me …
Not knowing that the reason you were here with me
And not rouseabouting on your North Country farm
Scones
Stewed apples
And
Carving the roast
Those hunks of meat
(do I speak of shearers?)
Not knowing that your reason
Was
That
You ~
You ~
You ~
Were like me

Like me?

How many times did I say that
In the night
Waiting
Assuaging the ache
Again
The ache that never leaves
Is she … ?
Could she be …
Like me?

God I so hoped you might
(did)
Like me

I couldn’t even slide towards the L word
The Love Word
Let alone
Hope
That you
And
I
Might
Make our own
L Word
Take meaning from why
From
That
Spaghetti
‘Y’
I prayed you might be
Open
To

Like me?

Like a freak like me

Be

Like a freak like me

Or
Just
Plain
Like
Me

Like me for being a freak like me?

Love never entered the frame
Did it?
Huh?

Huh?

Love
Was the frame
Was
But I never had those sorts of balls
To admit to love when in love
With domino-knocking
All-fall-down
Flat on my back
Love
Speechless, thunderstruck
Flabbergasted, pureed
Tenderloin
Love
Speechless, pureed, twingeing, aching ,love

Nor could I anticipate the same
From you

So I was left with the question
(questions)
Why …

So it was
So it was that night
That night
Cool night
A moist taste in the air
That post-drizzle, atmospheric wet
A
Wet
You hardly note
But of a sudden
There you are
Moist
Warm
Humid
Clammy
Damp

(have I made that clear?
Am I making myself clear?)

We walk together
Silent
(hardly a surprise)
But closer than ever
Closer than ever before
I am aghast at your beauty
In profile
I think I can smell you
Oh
Do not get me wrong
I am not Multiple Miggs
(do you use Evian skin cream
Wear L’Air du Temps?)
Still
I think I can smell you
On
The
Air

Is this the scent of adoration
(worship)
Or
Is
It
Simply
Olfactory sensationalism
Are you
In this moment
A suicide bomber
With
A
Nice
Cologne?

We don’t look at each other
(Oh osmosis!)
I can feel you in the air
(let’s forget that primal smell)
I can taste you in the mist on my tongue
We are together
And no word is spoken

Later I am invited back to your house
(not by you but by your flatmate)
We are together
We drink tea
(I loathe tea)
I drink tea with you
We talk in a group
Not to each other but no one else is there
(did you notice that?)
And then you see me out

So very formal

We stand in the hall

We are alone together

It is the first time

And I am speechless

(blah blah blah)

You don’t say much either

(I do note that you have acne-scars)

There is no thank you
There is no kiss

Then I am in the night
Floating
I am floating in the night
That wet night
Wet
Street lamps haze
And trees drool

I, of course, do not

I am the night
I remember that much

It is the end of term
You go home to your farm but you manage to leave me your address

I, on the other hand, go to the beach and surf in the sun

You do not ask for my address
But then I was always going to write first

Every day I write to you

Every day I check the mail for yours to me

You write to me
Formal
(admit it)
Rather
Sweet
(no doubt)
Not intimate
Reserved
Your place reserved

From your place
In the country
In the sun

It is haymaking you tell me
Round in blue ink on white note paper
Watermarked

Haymaking

I write everyday
Throughout the summer

You write twice

And send a Christmas card
(with love from Helen)

It is enough

It is enough

Like artichoke and tuna salad
Is enough

Like the taste of the rain
Is enough

Like denial
Is so very enough

Like the touch
Light as angel-breath
Is enough

I
Am
Sated
With
You

I can taste you on my tongue
Avocado and papaya
(I can’t go to spice and musk
Your purity is in my head
I am holy pure for you
So you are holy pure)

I can now though
Funky
Frangipani
(fuck off, Miggs, it could be deja vu!)

I transport myself
In the engaging night
(it is always ambient in fantasy)
And then it is day
Hot dry harvesting afternoon
We are done
Collapse
Face to face
The hay pricking
Laughing
Your face alive
I reach to you
Stroke your cheek
As we laugh without words

It is hot now
The air moves
And breathes
Sighs

You stop laughing
You face is on its side
Quizzical

I have seen that look before
I transpose it from the parting in your flat

I am detonating

I slide to you
Kiss your nose
Your chin
Eyes
Closed now
Your
Lips

Epoch

We scuffle
Embrace
Brawl

Exchange
Tumble
End over end

There is urgency
Necessity
Resolve

I manage to make it not just me

We
Have
Completed
But I cannot go there in this fantasy
To do so would abuse the purity you are
To imagine the unimaginable
Would be
Such an abuse

Such an abuse

(I know abuse)

I will not

Even
In
Whimsy

Even
In
This
Caprice
This castle-in-the-air
I will not
Undress you
Strip you off
For
Eyes
Such
As
Mine

I am not good enough

Myself
Though
I
Of course
I am
Tastefully Naked

Then
Sleep

Waking at dusk
Fond
Inflamed
A tenderfoot parting

Soft lip to lip
Lip to cheek
Lip to forehead
Parting

No sense of loss
Just
Bittersweet
Remorse
Sadness
And
A slight
Sense
Of
Shame

Eyes locked
We tend
Our separate ways
Into the lithe and soundless night

Then

Nothing

We know
When
Enough is enough

(such control … )

It is a
Fancy
Flight
An aerodynamic crossing
To
Desire

From Here to Infinity

Transitory though, transitory

A
Decades
Long
Transitory
(Mutual?)
Ache

This window is shutting down
(but my settings will be saved)

They will be saved

 Tuesday, 29 December 2009